Here We Are, as One.

To wait for the one I’d call my true love was something I kind of already expected to happen.
Yet, in my case, to wait upon a governmental status was something that truly was not on my radar.

As many already know, Tobias and I were in a long distance relationship for quite some time — about 3 years, if I were to count.

During those near three years, there was a lot that occurred that left both Tobias and I feeling stuck in the unknown.

Since my last blog post, almost 2 years already, I was traveling all the way to Germany to celebrate Christmas with Tobias and his family. But what I did not mention was the fact that I got engaged on that same trip.

Tobias and I have talked about being married someday. We pondered on the various situations that could occur if it were to happen—where would we live, how many kids we would like to have, all those topics.

The day Tobias asked me to marry him, moments before it happened, I was in a very anxious state, unsure of of what our future would look like.

During that time, Tobias came up with a very clever plan of “running to the grocery store” nearby to get more refreshments I liked. Unfortunately, that beverage can only be found in Germany, which is why he had to “run” to get it.

I had no idea that on that day, Tobias leaving the apartment would actually be him picking up the ring he would propose to me with.

While I waited for him to come back, anxious thoughts began to creep into my mind, leaving me in a frozen state. The only thing at that moment that could help my anxious tendencies was to listen to a certain song.

The song was called, “I’ll Give Thanks” by Housefires.

There were parts of the song that got me crying immediately because being anxious isn’t a feeling I like to feel. To be honest, being in a long distance relationship activated intense anxiety most of the time. This is something I rarely shared with anyone.

Some lyrics of the song read,

“In the silence, I choose to believe

You're working in the waiting

Though the future isn't clear to me,

I trust You anyway.”

In that moment, I could only think about trusting God and letting Him work in my life.

I listened to the same song about three more times until Tobias came back home.

Then, in that moment, as if the words came out of my mouth before I even thought about it, I suggested to go for a walk to a familiar place that Tobias and I frequently went to in Hamburg.

Little did I know that on that same walk, Tobias would already be in position to propose—something I didn’t see coming at that point.

The way he described that walk was that every step he took felt heavy. He quivered on the way towards the route we would take.

I honestly never heard him describe anything to be as intense as what he felt in that moment.

We eventually stopped by a bridge where our first lock was. This lock was placed on a particular gate somewhere near the port of which Tobias passed by almost daily. To him it was a constant reminder of our relationship. The lock signified our bond, despite the distance.

When Tobias recited a poem to me that he wrote, it was an easy response he would get back.

There were no more concerns or worries of where our relationship would end up.

When he asked me to be his bride, all I could think of was my future with him. There was no location, but rather the fact that we would finally be together.

The next day eventually came, and I had to leave to go back home. This time, I left as a fiancé.

---

Usually as a recently engaged woman, your thoughts would most likely be flooded about when would the date of your wedding would be, who were the people you’d first announce the engagement to, and so on.

To me, all of those thoughts occurred and although Tobias and I were at an all time high, we quickly researched how we would coordinate everything based on our desire. We even came up with a “pre-determined date” to marry which would have been July 2022 of that same year.

That high quickly came to a halt as we saw the process of being married to an immigrant would mean a long period of waiting and filing a lot of paperwork—especially here in the U.S.

Tobias always remained positive that things would be okay with us and that we could endure any kind of wait if that was necessary for us. As for me, my anxious thoughts only began to grow as time went on.

As I got back to my regular routine of being a teacher and doing life, almost every conversation Tobias and I had mentioned the fiancé visa we had to face.

Some background of the visa included dealing with a backlog of other cases due to the pandemic. These backlogs created longer processing times that made the whole situation look almost impossible to endure.

We constantly saw the case approval wait time increase from 12 to 13.5 to 14 months.

In my eyes, this felt as if we’d never see an approval anytime soon. Slowly but surely, it really looked ed as if I was losing hope on finally reuniting with Tobias once again.

I’ll be honest, waiting for a long time was not easy. There were many days that I couldn’t help but cry when there were no updates in the months we waited for the visa.

It felt like a never ending test.

It was continuous and dreadful, yet Tobias really made a difference in the way I looked at the whole process. His faith in us helped keep me hopeful.

On days where it just seemed as if they were just passing by, we remained in touch.

We continued scheduling virtual dates, we sent each other letters, gifts, and surprises over the mail.

Although many people wouldn’t want to endure a relationship like ours, Tobias made it worthwhile to keep going.

I am thankful that although Tobias was encouraging me throughout the way, to the many people of which I have shared my story to, they also helped increase my faith in this process.

Every day seemed like another step towards the approval we were waiting on, and although we didn’t know how close we were in the process, we knew we were getting closer.

---

This was our timeline.

January 10, 2022 was the day our case was in the hands of the US government.

March 1, 2023 was the day our case was finally approved by the authorities.

---

It was a full year and two months later that we finally got the answer we were waiting for.

No sense of relief can ever amount to ending the wait Tobias and I had to go through.

I can only remember that on the day of the approval, I felt as if I could finally breathe.

That was how intense this case was.

That was how much effort it took from us in this process.

The wait was finally over.

Tobias and I were bound to finally move on and get married.

After a few days and more updates on what to do next, we still had paperwork to do that would allow Tobias to finally enter the U.S on permissible terms.

That took another 3 months.

But on July 2nd, 2023, it was finally the day that he and I reunited and never had to look back on doing long distance again.

To see Tobias again and, this time with all his luggages filled with belongings, made my heart swell as it truly was an answered prayer.

It felt very natural for us to come together and be together in one place.

Many tears were shed, but also many smiles were shown.

The only thing left to do was finally get married.

As time went on and we got used to our real-time relationship, we got married by court and eventually had our wedding that we had planned months prior.

To say now that good things come to those who wait is truly a phrase that holds a lot of meaning and value.

Waiting is never easy, but it surely has its reward.

And while this chapter of long distance is finally over, I can let out another sigh of relief and say, “Here we are, as one” as Mr. and Mrs. Riesch.

Thanks for believing in us.

Waiting On You

I know You ordered every step

You are the Author

And there's no predicting what is next

But You hold the future

And all the questions they come second

To the one I know is true.

Oh, you've always been true

So I'm gonna wait on You

The lyrics to this song by Elevation Worship has always resonated during this long and extensive waiting period of not seeing T.

Through many setbacks, disappointments, rescheduled flights, and canceled trips, it was by faith that allowed us to keep moving forward.

In fact, it was what truly held us together when many others would fall apart within the same circumstances. However, what remained certain was our trust in the One who still holds everything together.

Being in a long distance relationship is not always easy, but when you are with the right person, it is more than worth it. And I can absolutely tell you, no relationship is perfect, by far there can be many conflicts or disagreements involved, but when you truly work towards learning about each other for the better and allow God to help mold your character towards others, it’s a real blessing rather than a curse.

I would’ve never thought I’d find myself in a relationship with someone that lives far from me, much less in a different continent; yet here I am, happily in love with a man that I know God has called to be a part of my life.

It all started with a minor conversation that led into a developing friendship with someone that didn’t even live in my city at the time.

While I was still living in Miami, he was in Charlotte, but my intention of moving to Charlotte was never based off of following someone—it was more about accomplishing what God has set out for me in this city.

Yet to my surprise, God had also intended T to be in my life for another reason.

Since the beginning of our story, it had seemed as if Tobias didn’t mind our long distance friendship, which began to develop into something deeper as time went on.

And after several months of being close friends, we were faced with the question of “what next?”.

Tobias had to move back to Germany, and I was still in the transition of moving out of my hometown.

What would this mean for us?

There were many more questions asked, but we both trusted that God would reveal more in detail about what exactly would happen.

Through many talks, a couple of visits to each other here being in the U.S, and lots of contact, it was clear that something deeper was developing.

Before our final “goodbye” as best friends back in June 2020. We didn’t know we would see each other until the June of 2021.

I don’t know why, but even the (then) last time I saw T in person, I was left with a “see you soon” rather than a true goodbye.

When T finally moved away, I was uncertain of how we’d turn out, but there was always something that kept us both wanting to stay present in each other’s lives.

To say the least, I couldn’t imagine my days without the impact T would leave, and the same applied on his end with me.

The pandemic obviously hit hard with many obstacles, such as long restrictions and extensive closed borders. To me, I wasn’t sure what intention God had in mind when it came to bringing T and I together because of the time differences and miles between us.

But I think it has also allowed us to come to the shared mindset that “God knows best”, and of course He has proven that He still certainly does.

Only God knew that it would take one full year for us to see each other in person after the summer of 2020. Yet in that waiting period of a full year, our promise of “soon” would come—we just didn’t know how or what that would look like.

There were several days where we received the same news of the borders to the U.S still being closed, which led to many disappointments, and of course, many tears shed. In those moments, it all looked impossible for the possibility of seeing each other once again, when in reality, that was not the truth.

My prayer journal is filled with shaky handwriting as the disappointments kept becoming consistent. Yet, the Lord answered every prayer I have ever written.

It’s not easy seeing uncertainties remaining consistent by days, weeks, and even months.

But this is where the true test of faith came in: Would we continue to believe in a miracle working God when all things looked hopeless, or would we give up all we had built together?

Still, we prayed for the next time we’d see each other—even in moments when it was harder to pray.

I cannot lie and say that my faith was always on a high when there was no progress on the U.S. borders opening again, preventing Tobias from coming back. But the more I shared my story with close friends, Bible group, and even members of my current church, there was a special impact that drew others to pray for Tobias and I and kept us in their thoughts. Those that have prayed for us understood how worrisome it could be for others to be stuck in this certain type of situation, but it was their faith in our relationship that grew a desire in our hearts to let our story become more known little by little.

Perhaps to some people, a long distance relationship, especially overseas, may seem illogical or worthless, but I can say God has a purpose to as to why T and I are together—even through a pandemic.

Going back to the song lyrics stated above, when it says,

“And there's no predicting what is next

But You hold the future

And all the questions they come second

To the one I know is true”,

I can only say waiting on the Lord certainly brings the rawest of our wants into His hands without the knowledge of how it might unfold.

To me, one of the greatest disappointments I have ever experienced was the trip T had to cancel to Charlotte and Miami back in August.

In our minds, we thought it was the perfect time for what we had initially planned.

I would have loved to have Tobias join me during my graduation ceremony with my family. It would be in celebration of a lifelong dream I had ever since I was little. And to fly back home on the plane by myself left me a bit disconnected as to what I thought God might’ve done for us in reference to a miracle.

It tore me when I received the news that T was rejected at the airport and was sent back home with packed luggages.

All of the expectations and hopes we built up were gone in a single moment.

Yet, those were the very moments that helped us truly leave everything under God’s control and let Him work.

No more questions, just faith.

On September 20th, we received great news that the U.S would finally open its borders again after over a year. T and I bursted with joy that we’d soon be reunited. And so, November was on our mind, and that’s what we had suspected God wanted to occur.

---

November came, and so did Tobias.

Not only that, but he’d come on the day of our anniversary—a day I’d never forget.

Words cannot describe how joyful my heart was to see him again and especially to have him back in the city that brought us together.

You see, Charlotte has always been a special place in my heart, but knowing that it is the same for Tobias makes it clear that God intended this relationship to be a unique one that will glorify His name. We still don’t know what will happen next in terms of this pandemic. What we do know is that if we were able to wait a full year to see each other and later see God provide opportunities for us to reunite, He can do anything.

And while we still wait for our next time of reunion and the details that follow, we will continue to deepen our trust in the God who intentionally makes things work for its good.

For we tasted Your goodness, and trusted Your promise, we’ll continue to wait on You.

And to you who is reading this and is still waiting on that promise God gave you, whatever it may be, it’s coming.

He’s heard you, and still has you on His mind.

Keep waiting.

Our Timeline As We Know It

March 2021–T & E’s canceled trip to Charlotte. Borders closed.

June 2021–E’s successful trip to Germany. Travel with restrictions.

August 2021-T’s rescheduled trip to Charlotte/Miami. Borders remaining closed.

September 2021-borders to the U.S opening in November.

November 2021-Tobias comes to Charlotte and visits Miami with Emily.

December 2021-Emily reunites with Tobias in Germany for Christmas—celebrating the birth of our Savior.

2022… Pending, but remaining faithful God will bring us together and the distance will soon become a part of the past :)

Into Fulfillment

For the majority of my life, I have been running on this imaginary “timeline” of when things should occur or by when certain goals need to be met. Maybe you have had the same mindset, too.

“I need to graduate college by this age. I should be able to be debt free sometime soon. How much time do I have left so I can still do this or that?”

The list goes on and on.

It’s not easy to break off that habit. When you live your life trying to fit every single thing into the according time it should be fulfilled or accomplished, it becomes a default thought process. And trust me, it’s not easy to cast that unhealthy mindset off — not easy at all.

But one thing I have learned in 2020 is to simply let go of control over the factors you think you have “control” over.

In the beginning of the year, I was focused on figuring out which graduate program I would enlist in for my overall career. Most of you already know how big of an FSU person I am, and believe me, out of all the schools I applied for, I would’ve wanted to take Florida State’s approval and run along with it, no matter the circumstances. I was all for making that decision.

But that changed.

I can remember the sensation that heavily poured onto my heart when I was being redirected somewhere else. Praying to God, I questioned, “Do I really have to give up my dream school for another school that really wasn’t on my mind?”

And to firmly face the decision of turning down the acceptance of my dream school (on my birthday, no less) left me a bit discouraged. That was what I initially wanted to strive for during the start of my graduate school path.

But God had other plans.

In less than a month, my initial desire of becoming a school administrator morphed into a passion of changing curriculum behind closed doors. Something I never even knew was a real thing. And in a very still and loving gesture, I was redirected to enroll back into my alma mater, FIU, and become a graduate student there.

While I’m still currently in my studies to become a curriculum specialist, I can really see why this was the road I needed to take to fulfill my overall purpose within the school system. All the tears I had once shed over my dream school being the correct fit in prayer suddenly made sense. It allowed my heart to once again open up to what God really wanted for me. And as always, He knew and still knows best.

The act of surrendering control over what I thought was right allowed a catalyst to be instilled in my heart. An integral lesson that, in this life, we are not meant to walk through our own independence of doing everything we want, whenever we want, just to feel a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment. In fact, life is meant to be lived knowing our decisions can truly change the outcome of situations, good and bad, but if we let go of control, life may flow easier. And perhaps, even better.

Another thing I would’ve never expected to occur this year was a change in my relationship status. To be honest, I didn’t see it coming because I wasn’t looking for anything in particular during a year of such tumultuous change. And yes, to all you skeptics wondering if I’m in a relationship already, I am currently in probably the healthiest relationship I will ever be in.

And even in the initial stages of knowing this person deeper, I was confronted with the notion of “Is this fitting well within my timeline?”

To my surprise, it was as if God intentionally placed him in my life to help me break out of this mindset.

Truthfully, words cannot describe how thankful I am for meeting the person I am currently with and how our story unraveled. And I will tell you, I am extremely happy!

(That story will be written sometime far into the future.)

But overall, if you really know the intricate details of it, you can really see how beautifully orchestrated it is turning out to be. A year ago, I was in the same seat asking God, “Is this something you really want in my life?”

And the more I got to know this person, the more I prayed bold prayers. Bold prayers that asked to rid anyone that wouldn’t be meant to stay in my life. I willingly gave up the idea that something could occur with this person and I, unaware we would grow into something more intentional.

Again, God had other plans and as He answered my prayer of allowing this person to stay in my life, I felt it was time to let go of everything I felt I had control over and turn it over to Him. He then took that gesture and allowed our relationship to flourish and flow the way it was meant to be. To say the least, I believe this is what it really means to not settle for less or even give in to the false idea of what “love” should generally be like.

I’ll be honest with you in this, if I never gave up my past hurts or generally the notion that there IS something better out there, I probably would’ve continued to keep my guard up and move along with life only focused on what’s in front of me. But to once again allow my heart to love again, and even deeper, can only create a more meaningful and beautiful union of two people who are running in the same marathon together as a team. This is something God knew I needed (though I thought I would encounter this later on) during a time of transition to help prepare me for what comes next.

It can only bring me straight to this Bible verse found in Isaiah.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭55:8-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Throughout this journey of seeing more events in my life unfold before me, what was left of a dormant dream of mine quickly catapulted into a pursuit of making things more intentional before that dream ever came to life. Little by little, and day by day, it was as if everything finally fell into place before this great adventure ahead of me could begin.

Now, this is still something I cannot publicly announce until it is official, but in my heart I can really feel and know the importance of truly cherishing and being in the moment with the people you dearly love before things change once again. Intentionality is more what I am pertaining to.

But what does this have to do about the timeline mentioned before?

Nothing, but simply letting go of this “timeline” can really change so much throughout your life. In reality, it shouldn’t be pursued after if it means losing yourself trying to fulfill your own desires and, perhaps, in the wrong timing.

If only you knew the reality of what it means to live life as it is and to take things slow. As we all know, tomorrow is never promised and so anything can change in a split second.

Timelines don’t matter. Things naturally fall into place when it is supposed to happen.

We have been called to be content in every moment and circumstance. To fulfill what we want in our lives is to simply satisfy our souls with moments and experiences that make the heart swell up with more love, joy, and compassion.

And I know how hard of a year it must’ve been for many in 2020, but we are entering a new year and should move past all the occurrences that could’ve potentially taken you down. Take this time to lift your spirits once again, love deeper, and truly bask in the moment of acknowledging your existence and know it can serve as a step towards your overall purpose.

I am not writing this post to brag or tell you all about my accomplishments this past year. In fact, I am writing this for you.

This is your year. Make it worthwhile. Document it. And just live.

Always remember how loved you are deeply by our Father in Heaven and He knows every single want and desire in your heart.

To delight in Him is to let go of oneself.

There He will fulfill every need, want, and dream. He still makes things happen, He still makes a way, and dreams still come true.

Most importantly,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I’ll tell you, 4-year-old Emily who always wanted to be a teacher and always chose the role of a teacher during playtime as a child, is now the 24-year-old teacher with a burning passion of doing more for this education system.

Even dreams that are asleep can be reawaken once again. But it’s up to you to take that first step. Allow this year to be one you will never forget but for the best, and trust me, it will be one of fulfillment.

Have faith, take heart, and watch as things unfold before your eyes.

This is it.

I’m praying for you :)

Even So

For the past few weeks, I’ve been noticing a lot more than just the physical changes happening in regards to this world.

We are all very much aware of this virus and its quick spread that’s currently keeping us on our toes as each day passes by. I’m not here to write about that. Let’s keep our minds off of that obvious fact, and focus on what is really important—which is truth.

God’s truth is ever so enlightening and present even till this day. Have you taken this time to dwell in His presence and hear what He has to say?

Many of us have probably felt confronted with the fact that while we are in quarantine, our true Christian character will be displayed. Are we just habitual church goers or do we actually have a foundational relationship with our Savior?

I’m not here to confront anyone. In fact, I’m here to encourage. And yes, it’s been a while since I’ve written. But it’s not until I’m given a “go” to write that I actually do and not just because I need to put content out there.

I decided to name this post “Even So” because just those two words hold so much depth in it. Just think about it.

Even. So.

Even. If.

Even. When.

“Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:28-31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Yes, I know it is difficult to hold onto this truth that God will sustain you with all your worries, hurt, anxiety, and fear about what’s going on, but truly believe it because it has been written and if it has been true for someone long ago, it is still true to you now.

God is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forevermore!

But how can I keep that within if I’m facing difficulty right now in this moment?

You may ask:
How can I bring food to my table if I’m laid off?
How can I pay my bills or rent if there’s no income?
I’m sick, I can’t afford to go to the doctor!

Are your worries troubling you?

Don’t let them.

Allow yourself to have this mindset that there’s always a tomorrow. And that tomorrow can be better than your today.

But allow God to hold your worries and rest in Him.

Yes, we all, and I mean EVERYONE, has finally been given time to truly rest in Him, but what have you been doing to help you draw closer to God during this quarantine?

Take this time to get to know God more than just a supreme being or ruler above all. Let Him take care of you as a FATHER, talk to Him as a FRIEND, and remember that even so, He is still GOOD.

Even if the world around us may be crashing right before us, He is still good.

And even though we may not be able to see positive in such crucial moments, He is still good.

I can let you in on a snippet of my personal life: while I may still happily smile and go on with my life as if nothing wrong is happening, I too am dealing with situations beyond my control that have been affecting me. Situations that do have the ability to crush my spirit.

But even so, He is still good.

I came to the conclusion that no matter what wrong may be happening in my personal world, or in this physical world, He will always be good.

Allow that to sink in as well.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

While we may have so many reasons to fret and be worried, know that He who holds the stars in the sky and names them one by one also holds you in the palm of His hand and considers you worthy of being taken care of.

He called you by name, He has you covered, He is still in control.

And whether or not things may turn out for the worst, remember that He is still good.

Even so, til the ends of this earth.

“For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:5, 13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

For Such a Time As This

Chosen.

I would’ve never thought that word would pertain to me in such a time as this.

But why me?
You know, sometimes I wonder, out of everyone in this world, in this specific place and time, why was I sought after and picked for something like this? Although I am clearly aware of my ever-growing potential and what I am capable of doing, sometimes I question if I really am worthy of the things that are given to me. But then I am reminded of this verse:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Psalms 139:13-14

I know full well that I have been created for a specific purpose. To many of you, you may see my highlights, and all that is well with my life, but there are many times when I feel like I am constantly being struck down by circumstances. Things that I clearly do not share but can only speak to with those close to me. If you were to count the every tear I've shed and every time I’ve looked up to the sky hoping to see any sign of comfort, it would be too many to count.

But in moments like that, I have heard the still, small voice of God telling me to "focus on my worship". He reminds me that worship is the best way I can fight these battles in order to move on according to my purpose. For me, the most tangible way of feeling God close by and receiving reassurance that all will be okay is through worshiping. Now when I mention worship, it's not just playing a song and singing along to the lyrics as if it were any other song. It means doing everything wholeheartedly as an offering to God--an offering, willing gift, to the One who created everything.

---

The moment I received news that I would be Rookie Teacher of the Year at my school, I was more than surprised.

I don't like to do things to be seen. By far, I'd rather be in the background in all that I do, but in this moment, I felt God nudging me as if some things are meant to be acknowledged simply because He cares.

Since the age of 4, when I decided being a teacher was all I have ever wanted to be, I have always made it a goal of mine to be the very best teacher I can be to all of my students, no matter what. If you knew all of the individual stories these students carry, you'd see why I would want to give my all when it comes to my career.

Coming from a somewhat emotionally drained past, I have always wanted to be that light for others as well. Whether it be to my colleagues, friends, and even to strangers, I only want the very characteristics God has molded inside of me to be brought out to the benefit of others.

In other words, I receive much joy when others are joyful as well.

Now you may ask, what does worship have to do with this? Well, the reason why I'm bringing it up is because I believe if it wasn't for the decision of me going back to the heart of Christ and giving Him my everything, none of this would've happened.

It took me a while to realize I cannot do everything by my own strength, and the more I was being hit with situations that could've brought me back to my dismay, I had to give up this self-autonomy and surrender once and for all and just let God be. I wasn't forced to make that decision, it was by my own doing, and it has been the best choice I have made in a very long time.

Has there been moments when things still go wrong? Of course, but I'm seeing it in a different light that has helped me realize that God does everything for good, even if it may not look like it. The Bible even says so:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28

After a while of intentionally spending my time of trying to do my best and giving my whole heart for God, I have found pure joy in the searching of His heart--so much that new desires have sprung up that I am excited to see come to life. I know for a fact that if these new desires are strong, it is only because God first desired it for me. Which is why He has placed them in my heart.

Psalms 37:4 states,
”Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

And this goes for you as well.

Yes, you that's reading this. Whatever dream or dreams you may have, you have them within you only because He first saw it. But look how gracious He has been in wanting you to have that desire. It's simply because He loves you! And the only way to see those dreams manifest is to let God do the work and all you have to do is just stand back and obey His commands while He does the rest.

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Through this season of intentional solitude with God and yearning to hear more of His voice, I can tell what my next steps are in this particular time of my life.

I can remember one Wednesday night while I was walking my dog, I asked God, "What's next in my life?". I am fully aware of my time dwelling in Miami being almost up at this point, and right then and there was when He told me, "The time is near of you leaving, but you first need to fulfill your purpose in Miami."

Hearing that only made me realize there's still a lot more that needs to be done with my time left here.

It wasn't until I was reminded of another verse that only confirmed of what I have been told.

Found in the book of Esther 4:14, it states,
"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

I knew that this season I am currently in is for preparation of something big coming. It's funny because about 6 years ago I was dressed up as Queen Esther for a Bible Character Day that my youth group had coordinated. I never really realized that one day I'd grow up to be the Esther of my time...in this particular season. There have been many instances when all I can ever hear from God was the word "preparation" over and over again. I never really understood why that word was being reiterated, but now I fully understand that it goes along with my purpose.

This being said, I still may not know as to why certain things happen in my life or as to why I am being chosen for other things other than just the title of Rookie Teacher of the Year.
In reality, this blog post isn't just about that.
I believe God has intentionally handpicked every detail to occur in my life for what will eventually come to be.

There are many other things that I have kept to myself in regards of being chosen. Events such as being a voice to help a certain program, seeing my name being mentioned in places I have never really thought would mean as much, and many more. But besides that, I also have a message for you. As I am typing this, I can deeply feel in my heart that you too have been chosen for great things ahead. There may have been times in which you feel like no one sees what you do and that no one cares, but I am here to tell you that there's one person who sees EVERYTHING and is still loving you despite all your quirks and flaws.

And that's God.

You have no idea how much happiness just doing what you do with a smile and with a good heart brings Him. He WILL ultimately reward you in due time. Just remember that in everything, you reap what you sow. This pertains to every little seed you have been sowing in your ground, it will spring up. It will flourish. It will bloom.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."
1 Peter 2:9

In everything, acknowledge Him and He will bring you upfront because you have been chosen.

And for such a time as this, He will also be known.

Voice in the Noise

I’m not perfect, nor will I ever see myself in that light, but I do believe admitting your struggles can help others dealing with the same hindrances.

Lately I’ve been learning more in my walk with the Lord. One thing I am trying to fully comprehend is how to discern the voice of God again.

I say again because I remember back in 2014 I was able to clearly hear God’s voice. I’m not talking about audibly hearing God tell me, “Emily, do this” or “Emily, do that”, but I was more susceptible to knowing whenever He spoke. When I would read the Bible, the words written would vividly paint a picture in my mind that I felt was also being engraved onto my heart.

Each moment I spent my time praying, I would feel God embracing me and speaking words of love over me. The only way to describe how I knew God was actually speaking was when my heart felt as if a message was being captivated that led me to act or move.

Besides that, I would write down my dreams and petitions in a notebook that was given to me as a gift years ago. To this day, I still write in that notebook and see as to where God has worked in my life.

You may be wondering why I’m writing about this, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know why but I know it’ll act as a good reflection upon myself for the time being.

Every day on this journey, I’m learning something new—whether it be learning how to deal with my character and not overstep the line of where I need to be, or learning how to be more in tune with those around me, I feel as if I’m being taught something new and I love it.

Something else that I’ve been relearning is knowing when God speaks—allowing Him to quiet my soul and say what He needs to say.

To tell you the truth, it’s not easy distinguishing the voice of God when distractions are present. Everyday there’s so much to do that I’m only left with making up excuses to not hear from God because of how “busy” I am. And even if it’s selfish of me to do that, there will always be a tug in my heart that alerts me to act more humbly and submit. This only makes me fully aware that I am not more important than what my Creator has set out for me, and that if He wants to tell me something, I better listen up and obey because I might miss my chance at something that could change my life.

As I was talking to my mom yesterday, I reminded her of the plan I have set out for myself in the future. Again, it’s not set in stone, but it’s been a desire of mine for the longest time. My response back from her was, “Emily, I know you’re a person of your word and you love accomplishing your goals and making your dreams come true, but remember it’s not up to you.”

To tell you the truth, it doesn’t bother me to hear the same thing over and over again. I also don’t consider myself to be stubborn, but when I have goals for myself, I like to act straight on it and have it as my main focus. Lately, I will admit, I’ve been stubborn in remembering a specific promise from God and actually allowing Him to do exactly what He said He would do.

It wasn’t until today when I clearly heard God speak to me that humbled my heart into wanting what He wants. A word was given out that only swept my will away based on His words alone.

“I promise you what I promised Moses: ‘Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you—

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.”

Joshua‬ ‭1:3, 5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.””

‭‭Joshua‬ ‭1:8-9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Even with these words CLEARLY giving the intention that God is doing what He said He would do, I was reminded that I am nothing when it comes to God’s plan, but notice how gracious He is when it comes to reminding you of what He’s said before.

It will always be less of me and more of Him. At the end, no matter what, God will prevail and show He is greater above all things.

Perhaps you too have been struggling or even wrestled with the promises God has given to you due to impatience or whatever else it may be, but I just want to say His mercy is new everyday. He doesn’t look down on you as an ungrateful or impatient human. He’s slow to anger, abounding in love, and He only wants you to submit. Fully submit and know He is GOD.

If only you take the time and sit still in the midst of the noise all around you, He will speak. But also remember even in the slightest whispers He has something to say. You just have to intently tune your ears toward Him and He will make it known.

And yes, it may be hard to know He is speaking when there’s so much going on, but if you intentionally want to hear Him, know he speaks through His word too. There’s nothing more true than His words actually written in the book that only breathes life. He’s waiting for you to hear Him.

As for you, God, say what You need to say, because here I am and I want to listen.

Where to?

For the past week, I’ve been looking further into my grad school options—narrowing down the schools I would like to attend. Grad school has been on my mind since I graduated with my bachelor’s degree last year. Because of the program I want to get into, I’ve been wanting to go to the university that offers the best service for my career. So far, Florida State University is my top choice.

If you got to know me a little bit more, you’d know FSU has always been my dream school. When I was in high school, without a doubt, I was determined to be admitted into Florida State and study there for my undergrad. Unfortunately, life at the moment took a turn that made me NOT go for various reasons, including the feeling that it wasn’t the right school for me at the time.

Flyers I first received from Florida State when I began applying to colleges back in 2014.

When I found out I wasn’t allowed to go, it broke me. It honestly felt as if I was slapped in the face real hard when I was told no.

One of the reasons as to why I wasn’t allowed to go there was because I wanted to leave my home with the wrong intentions. Due to the problems happening back then, I felt as if leaving my home would be an ultimate escape from my misery. I also wasn’t sure how I would turn out to be due to the instability I was facing. Perhaps if I did leave my home to go to FSU, I’d end up giving up on my dreams. I probably wouldn’t have continued pursuing education as my career, or probably wouldn’t have been given the many opportunities I received at FIU, and outside of all that, I would’ve stayed completely disobedient and rebellious towards my parents.

Those are the things I often think about; how my life would’ve been if I attended Florida State.

Now I’m not saying FSU would change me in a bad way. I just don’t think I’d be the same person I am today if that was the place I was meant to go to. In the end, I attended FIU instead and things turned out better than I expected. A whole lot better.

My experience at FIU was so great that I am grateful my original plan didn’t work because I see myself as a completely different person than who I was 5 years ago.

As I was thinking of what to write for my next post here, I came across a bible verse that I never took notice of.

Romans 11:22 states, “Notice how God is both kind and severe. He is severe toward those who disobeyed, but kind to you if you continue to trust in his kindness. But if you stop trusting, you also will be cut off.”

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To sum up what has been happening in that passage prior to that verse, it talks about how God’s people, Israel, was undeserving of God’s mercy and favor because of their disobedience, yet he still gave it to them because of his kind nature.

To be honest, this verse convicted me to take more notice of His mercy and keep trying to move along the path despite how “busy” my life currently is. In the past I have been disobedient and rebellious, and just reading that verse brought back those memories of the time when all I wanted to do was leave. But notice how great God is when he says something that makes you realize being obedient will lead to a clearer path in life.

Since I am now in the process of figuring out where I should go next in my life, I still have the desire to go to FSU but not in the way it was back then. This time, I know it’s for me to become a better person in my career and in my community.

I actually told my parents recently about my desire of going to FSU and in return I got a “Leave it in God’s hands and if it’s His will, He will let you go.” Before, the response I had received about attending the school was different, but now I see it as a maybe. It might end up leading me exactly where I want to be, and all in good terms this time.

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Maybe I won’t go to Florida State after all because God has something else better in store, but as of now it is still a huge desire of mine to go.

Now going back to the verse, it states how

God is severe towards the disobedient, but will remain kind if you continue to trust in his kindness. As a Father, His job is to lead us to the right path no matter if we have to be disciplined to realize what’s right, and to trust that everything He does is for our own good. Once the trust is gone, meaning we stray away and do things on OUR terms, He too will show how He can set his foot down which is what we shouldn’t have Him do very often. Sometimes, it’s necessary.

I don’t consider myself to be stubborn, but after seeing the favor of God constantly being brought in my life, I am more sure that He is in full control despite my decisions that aren’t aligned to His.

In reality, I am writing this so I can read it again one day and see where God led me to. From application preparation, to taking every opportunity given for more credentials, to growing more in love with my profession, I know all this will have its reward in the end.

Applying to grad school is hard. There’s so much to work on just on an application, but through God anything is possible. I fully believe that He will come through in any way possible that will make me exalt His name. For now, FSU is on my mind. It has always been, but who knows what will happen in the near future.

From glory to glory, I go and even if I go to FSU for grad school or not, I will remain content with where I am. With my faith solely in God and His plans, I know He’ll lead me to even greater adventures.

Bliss & Adventure.

Dear Reader...

Believers & Unbelievers,

I’ve got a message for you if you’re feeling down and weary.

Perhaps maybe you don’t think you need these words of encouragement because life is doing you well, but there will come a time when it will be needed.

So here’s my delivery of promises already written. 

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“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”
Jeremiah 1:5

You were made intentionally with the purpose of doing something in this earth. Whether you feel useless or without need, there’s a plan for your life. 

It doesn’t matter if you feel stuck in your individual path, or feel as if everything is just passing through before your eyes. Life is all about pressing on and there’s a promise for that. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

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Are you anxiously waiting for something to happen or have been clinging on to a thread of your last hope? 

1 Peter 5:7 says,
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Ever felt like no one is hearing your cry or noticing your hurt? 
There’s someone waiting for you to run to Him.

“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”
James 4:8 

Because 

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18

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I’ve been there, trust me. 

I know what it’s like to feel as if nothing is ever going right and you’re falling into a deeper hole, but there’s always something to look for in the end.

“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”
Psalm 18:6

You do have what it takes to keep going. Life was never meant to be easy or smooth, but as long as you keep persevering, you’ll get there.

Keep threading on. Keep moving forward. 

You’re almost there. After all, these promises were written just for you. 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

What is faith?

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1 NIV

Faith. Whenever I hear that word, a lot comes into mind of something worth believing. To many, faith is just a word that holds no meaning, an option, or something incomprehensible. Now what does it mean to me? Growing up in the church setting, I never knew what it meant to have a firm belief. I always felt like I was tagging along my parents into this building where there were many people following the same routine and ritual. To my knowledge, I had no idea as to why I even had to go to such a location. At the age of 5 or so, all I can remember about going to church was seeing people lay their hands over my mom while she cried and lifted her hands as if she needed someone to help her. I never understood how in tune someone can be with something supernatural and spiritual.

God. Is there such a thing? Is he the Big Man in the Sky I have always heard people around me say? Who is He?
I grew up knowing there’s someone out there who protects and helps people in need once you call upon Him. My mom would always have this habit of coming into my room at night to say a goodnight prayer to someone I didn’t even know. As always, I would close my eyes and repeat her “Amen” at the end of each prayer, not knowing what it meant.

Fast forward 10 years later, those “Amens” at the end of every prayer was a signal to God of all my desperate calls.

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When I was 15 years old, I was hit with one of my hardest trials ever. Everyday after school, I would come home to same problem over and over again. It felt like a never-ending loop I was in and every time I would try to leap out of that loop, I would be sucked right back in to where I left off, heading in the same direction. Now what was my problem you may ask?
My problem was hearing and seeing my parents constantly arguing about situations that would lead to further divorce. The word divorce was being thrown around within every 5 min intervals, as if it wasn’t said enough. There would be multiple times where I would pitch in to stop the arguments, trying to shut my parents up from talking too much just so I can be heard. I was in anguish just seeing them two verbally attacking each other as if that was what they were meant to do.

My parents have been together for 18 years at that time, going into their 19th year together, yet I wasn’t sure I’d see that happening. The future was so unclear, hazy as a matter of fact.
Growing up, my mom and dad were loving towards each other based on what I saw. We’d go to the mall together, watch movies, go to church, and even hold bible studies in my home. It was because of my dad that I grew this love of wanting to know more about the stories in the Bible, digging deeper in the Word and finding hidden truths. Because of him, I would know the stories of who the people in the Bible were—from Elijah, to David and Goliath, to Ruth and Esther, and of course, Jesus himself. My dad was the one who taught me so much about what this book held inside. Not just for the famous stories of the people themselves, but even to the origins of why things were and to things that would soon come in the near future. To my extent, it was what motivated me to carry my little Precious Moments Bible that was given to me on my 10th birthday around church every Sunday.
As for my mom, she was the one who taught me the importance of prayer and how God was always there listening to what I had to say, even if it was for something foolish like me telling God about the little mishaps throughout my days.

I grew up with this notion that yes, there is someone out there who is listening to me and willing to be there for me JUST BECAUSE. But did I truly believe it? Perhaps not. I just was following what my parents had set out for me in this walk of life. This routine.

Now what made everything change?

From what I know, there are things that should be left unsaid and things that are not meant to be mentioned, but it killed me to see the aftermath of the effect of what was happening.

”Mom…Dad… please stop.”
That was all I would say to my parents in the middle of their arguments. I never wanted to see them continue, yet I was getting used to seeing this toxic habit. Waking up everyday was a drag for me. As a fifteen year old, in my freshman year of high school, I didn’t think I’d be stuck in a toxic environment at home. The way I felt I was treated was unfair to me only because I knew it was the only way to cope with the emotions everyone in my family was dealing with.
I would go to school knowing that I had to face people and teachers everyday and act as if everything was okay for me. I had on the biggest facade that nobody was aware of. I pretended I was always happy and enjoying life, yet on the inside all I wanted to do was run away and scream. I just wanted someone to listen to my hurt, feel my pain, and dig deep in my thoughts.

No one knew I cried myself to sleep everyday. No one knew I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling tears roll down my cheeks because I would have dreams of my parents separated. I would bite my tongue every time I saw my mother cry on her bed with her head dug in her hands. I would get angry when I would see my father sit down on the couch watching TV, only because I knew the backstory to everything.

Why the hell was this happening to me? Why all of a sudden I’m feeling angry one minute and then depressed the next. There was so much in me I wanted to let out. So much I wanted to say and do, all because I was growing tired of it all.

This kept going for the next 3 years up until my senior year of high school. Extensive right?

Senior year of high school rolls in, woohoo! Go Cougars! *rolls eyes*
A part of me was happy it was my last year of high school, a part of me was not so happy. I was excited because I would graduate and head off to college, and I wasn’t too excited as well because my problem at home hasn’t stopped. Again, it was the same thing over and over again. It felt eternal. Yet it didn’t affect my schooling as I thought it would, in fact, it motivated me to do well in order for me to get out as fast as I can. That was the goal I had set out for myself. To leave and escape this misery.

Everything went well up until it was time for me to make a decision on which university/college I would go to. My goal was to attend FSU all along. I wanted to leave my home and go to the furthest college there is in Florida and stay there for the next 4 years. I would find my “peace” and “serenity” there— away from it all. Yet, my parents refused to let me go. Deep down they knew my reason to leave, and wouldn’t let me go because of my desire to escape.

“God, if you’re really listening to me, let me go to FSU. I don’t want to stay here anymore.”
That was my prayer every night. I desperately wanted to leave, yet there was always a tug at my heart saying, “Emily, no.”
I have always known that God does things for a reason, but what reason is for all of this chaos at home? Do I really want to believe in Him despite the mess of emotions inside of me? I needed comfort. I needed a place to rest and be still, yet I couldn’t find it.

One day, while walking around my area, I stumbled upon this field that I thought was the most precious thing there was to this haze. Its long grass was inviting and so willowy, I just wanted to stay there forever and dwell in its idyllic state.

Finally.

And there, as I sat down with my eyes looking straight ahead, I felt as if there was no end to my crying. I couldn’t stop. I felt as if there was this huge rain cloud pouring all of its water over me. I have never felt so alone. So broken.
All that was playing in my head were the happy memories of my family loving each other, laughing, and enjoying one another all being torn in front of me as if I would never see that again. That it was only a phase of life I would only enjoy and cherish as memories that once were and never will become again.
It was in that moment that I prayed and said, “I feel so done. I can’t take it anymore….why.”

And that was when I heard Him say, “I’m still listening.”

In my moments of brokenness, I felt the need to document how I felt at the moment. I would turn to photography and capture the state of how I felt my emotions were in. Every concept depicted in my photos represented my internal longing of feeling whole again and wanting to escape. In reality, photography was my escape.

People would always tell me they loved my photos because of its composition and story, but little did they know it was my cry for help. It was what kept me clinging onto to this faith of mine, believing that one day this too shall pass.

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So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

John 16:22 NIV

This was the verse that helped me realize I was following this kind of faith for a reason. A bible verse so simple was what led me to stop wallowing in my own self-pity and depression and gave me the hope I knew would come for. I stumbled upon this verse at a time my mind was going into its darkest point. Day by day, I was going into a deep depression that I wanted to give up on everything. And to my most desperate acts, I wanted to read at least ONE verse that would speak to me, hoping for a change. It was when I read this that broke me into pieces. When I felt my God hugging me tightly and wiping away my tears. The moment when I knew I had to stop pretending he wasn’t there and know that He was there all along. I came to my senses and decided something’s got to change in me in order to see a miracle happen. I took a picture of myself crying one last time over this problem and told myself, “My hope is coming. This is my promise.”
Since then, despite the same arguments happening everyday over the same problem, I didn’t find myself crying anymore. I went into praying and working on my mental health by exercising and exploring with my friends, trying to find the beauty in what’s still out there for me to see. My perspective on life changed and I held on to this promise as if it was meant only for me.

(Still till this day, I have that picture saved onto my laptop, reminding me of where I was at one point in my life into what I am now.)

I ended up going to FIU and not FSU for my college experience. It wasn’t fair for me to be far away only to know things might end up being worse at home if I were to leave.

My first year of college was probably my best year. I met a lot of new cool people, loved my classes, and was ready for a big change. I joined a christian club on campus and loved being around people who shared the same faith as I. About 2 months in of me going to school, I woke up one day to see a large manila folder on my dining table and my dad crying. Crying? I have never seen my dad cry before.

I didn’t know what was happening as for the past 2 months, things have been awfully quiet at home. No fights, no screaming, just silence. So of course, I thought things were going well for all of us here.

When I opened the folder, I read the heading of the papers with the words DIVORCE printed on top. I didn’t react. I just froze. I looked back and pretended I didn’t see it.
My dad came up to me and said, “I’m sorry. I tried. Don’t expect me to be here when you come back from school. I might be gone.”
When my dad told me those words, I couldn’t help but cry. I just hugged him and got ready to leave for the day. I couldn’t drive to school. I was shaking at the thought of the house looking empty without the belongings of my father. I called my mom asking what happened and all she said was, “Emily, it’s for the sake of this family. I don’t want to see you suffer anymore and I don’t want to either.”
I knew I couldn’t be selfish anymore and try to stop things only because it would make me feel better. I was realizing I wanted things to be differently because of how I felt and not because of how my family was feeling. I had to stop being selfish and muster up the fact that these people have feelings too and that maybe this would benefit all of us.

That school day felt like the longest day ever. Even though I was paying attention in class, half of my mind was thinking about the moment I arrived back home seeing things gone. My dad’s clothes gone, his TV unplugged, his picture frame removed, everything. I had to hold back my tears and finish my work. It was until then I texted my friends from the christian club and told them what was happening. They responded with “Let’s pray about it in faith”, and I agreed to do so.

We met up after class near the fountain by the bridge on campus, prayed about our situations, and began declaring in faith that God will move. In that moment, I wasn’t thinking about my dad gone, my mind was set to seeing my parents happy again. All I did while we walked around campus was sing worship songs and kept the same mindset that God WILL move.

When it was time for us to go, I thanked my friends for being there for me, let out a big sigh, and ran off to go back home. When I arrived, I saw my parents sitting down on the couch laughing and holding hands.
I have never seen this before.
It felt like a dream.
But it was real.

”Emily, put your bags down, we’re leaving to go see some people and pray about what has been happening. We need to leave now.”
And so I did as my parents had asked and off we went to see these people that have been praying for us all along. As a family, we all have felt reconciled and restored. We let everything out that has been built up inside for the longest of time, forgave each other, gave each other hugs, and cried knowing it was God who made this happen.

In that moment, I felt as if God was talking to me again, this time loudly yet gentle saying, “I was with you all along. When you would cry yourself to sleep, I was there. I counted every single one of your tears, and held them in my hands. You were never alone. You said you were, but you weren’t. I was hoping you’d cling onto me earlier, but in my time you clung on perfectly. While you were hanging, know that I had set a foundation for you to land on. Without harm, you’d be safe. I did this for you to believe in me more than what you were exposed to. Now do you see the purpose?”

I still remember those words. I still remember that day, those feelings, that brokenness. And am I thankful I went through that? Of course I am. Even until this day, as I’m typing all of this down, I’m looking at my parents together in the kitchen talking and laughing together. It’s been 8 years already, And it has been such an adventure looking back on all of this. This is my first official post on this blog—my testimony, the reason as to why I will never let go of God’s hands despite everything else thrown at me.

I have gone through a lot more after those long 5 years of suffering in silence, but this time my mindset is different. I believe in what I believe in because I was once broken, and now I am redeemed. I was once alone and hopeless, and now I am loved and hopeful. You see, the Emily you may know of was never always this person who was always happy and enjoying life. I went through deep experiences, that have made me who I am, and now I am sharing it with all of you.

I am thankful for how far my journey has been so far, and I am excited to see where my next adventure will be. Until then, I will keep sharing, in hopes that maybe you will realize He’s got it all planned out. Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

xoxo,

Emily.