Many of you guys know, or maybe don’t know. Some of you are skeptical yet don’t want to say anything, and others truly don’t care, but I am a pretty open person when it comes to things that have helped shape me into who I am. I love answering questions and telling things how it is without sugarcoating or casting it off to the side as if nothing happened.
What I’m referring to is something not drastic, but an end to something long term.
6 months ago I made a decision that took a lot out of me to make, and honestly, I never really thought it would happen. But I had to.
Up until the day I decided to go with that decision, I had this huge wave of peace fall over me. Trust me, it was hard and took a lot of prayer considering my already planned “future”, but I knew it was for the best—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Coming out of my almost 3 year relationship, I realized a lot about myself that I never saw while I was in it. Things in me that I never really wanted for myself.
In reality, that needed to change since I know I am my own independent person with the high standards I set for myself. As much as I tried making this relationship last, I would only be dragging myself and sucked dry of all the opportunities I could’ve taken, constantly seeing my own happiness being drained out of me.
Now, I am a firm believer of secondhand happiness and as much as I love seeing others or making others happy, I wasn’t fully replenishing my own happiness. And yes, I shouldn’t depend on others to make myself happy when they aren’t the source of true joy, but it all felt off balanced for me. Knowing how I am with careful planning and making things stable in my life, I felt stuck where I was.
With saying this, I am not trying to point the finger or make the other person sound bad and there’s absolutely NOTHING against the other person, I just felt like I wasn’t walking in the path I was destined to walk.
I truly appreciate and cherished the moments I had in that relationship. From the bottom of my heart, there was nothing that makes me regret what I did in those years. It was truly a beautiful time in my life, but when you strongly know that a person isn’t for you and that you’re both growing apart, you have to listen to yourself and take the risk no matter how painful it can be.
The only way for me to feel like I needed to set myself on the path I was meant to walk was to set myself free of being in the relationship. If I can explain it more metaphorically, I’d say I was a bird stuck in a cage when I knew I was meant to fly high above the heights.
It took a lot of courage for me, a lot of trust in my God to lead me to do what I needed to do, and a lot of faith in what’s to come that helped me make that decision at the end.
I can remember my mom telling me 6 months ago, “Emily, are you 100% sure of this?”
And I would respond with, “Yes, I’m ready for this.”
Since that day, I became the Emily I knew I was meant to be. It took a while for me to gather my senses again and start afresh, but I was determined, as I still am, to keep striving forward. In reality, it brought me exactly where I needed to be, revealing the exact characteristics I have always known about myself—independent, carefree, and relentless.
Now why am I telling you this?
Well, because this trip was the first trip that I’ve felt like I wasn’t attached to anyone or anything. It was a trip where I felt completely free of what’s been holding me back for so long. Even though this trip was a short one, it’s been the most calming and reassuring little getaway.
I have always wanted to visit the springs up north and as much as I have a fear of going to the deep open water due to traumatic experiences, I wanted to face that fear even if it meant for me to dive straight in. Literally.
On my trip to Jacksonville, there were two things I wanted to do: visit the springs and dolphin watch.
Heading over there, the forecast was terrible. Thunderstorms were constantly on the radar and it always looked as if I’d have to stay in the whole time. On the drive up there, and seeing the clouds change from white to gray, I felt myself doubt I’d even enjoy my time up north since it looked as if it would be downcast the whole time.
While listening to music and constantly looking at the sky, I was reminded of the reason why I wanted to make this trip happen and I didn’t want anything to downpour on my attitude towards this getaway.
I wanted to fully immerse myself with my surroundings and cherish these new memories I’d make with my family. Most importantly, I wanted to seclude myself and listen more closely to what God had to say to me.
On the route to Madison Blue Springs State Park, after the many stops for putting gas and eating at a cute breakfast spot, I began feeling a bit of a rush of adrenaline since I knew I’d be out in the open water. To kind of explain my fear a little bit more into detail, first of all, I can swim, BUT, once I feel like I have to tread water and know I’m no longer able to set my feet on a firm foundation, that’s when I begin to panic. This occurs because of two experiences that has happened to me.
First, I drowned long ago back in second grade when I went to Rapids Waterpark with my family. I was at an area called Alligator Alley where there were plastic alligators floating across the pool and monkey bars to reach the other end of the pool. All I can remember was me swinging on the monkey bars and accidentally missing a bar, causing me to slip on the plastic alligator. I found myself deep in the water, panicking, and a lifeguard had to come save me. It was such an embarrassing experience for me at the time because I didn’t know how to swim.
Until after that experience, I kind of taught myself how to swim and I enjoyed my days in the water.
Second, this experience happened 2 years ago actually. I went out to do a banana boat adventure with my mom and a friend where a jet ski would pull us through the ocean while we had to hang on to a banana boat. We had to wear life jackets, so I already felt safe. Surprisingly, my mom, who doesn’t know how to swim, felt excited doing this. We were given instructions on how to handle the boat with the twists and turns and I made sure my mom understood the rules in case we were to turnover. Of course, my mom had to be the one who overturned the boat, and again I was in the deep trying to find the surface. This time, I knew what I had to do, but I was more concerned over my mom’s safety that I began panicking for her. Since I couldn’t see anything due to my poor vision, I came up on the surface trying to look for my mom. I didn’t hear anything, so I tried looking underwater for her, only to realize she was several feet away from me. That little moment triggered what I felt when I first drowned. Whenever I would go in the deep parts of a pool or in the beach, I would quiver because I don’t have firm ground to stand on—which is what reassures me of being safe.
Now that I’ve told you my stories regarding this fear of mine, you might be asking, “But you’ve jumped off planes and have gone swamp exploring knowing there’s alligators around, and even touched wolves, how can you be scared of that?”
Well, yeah, I am pretty daring and I am willing to do even more thrilling things, but when it comes to deep water, I’m out.
As much as I love being in the water, I don’t enjoy it as well due to those reasons, but this time I wanted to change that outlook.
When I finally arrived to the springs, I couldn’t believe this place was real. It was such a beautiful sight to see and even more to be in it! I quickly changed into my bathing suit and looked all around this new environment. The first thing I did was head to a little overlook area and take in the scenery. Crystal blue water, willowy trees, the rushing sounds of the current, everything about it was so mesmerizing that I had to step in the water.
As soon as I dipped one foot in the water, I took it out immediately.
To tell you the truth, I expected the water to be warm but it was so cold that I didn’t even want to go in.
I hate being in cold water, but if the drive to get to this destination took almost 6 hours, there was no way I was going to back out and say, “Nevermind!”
So I did what everyone does when the water is freezing, and that was to jump right in! As soon as I did that, the current took me to area of the springs where the rocks were predominantly at. I had to jump right out quick before my head would’ve hit against a rock and I nearly slipped grabbing onto another rock due to the algae on it. Clearly I wasn’t expecting that at all, but I felt excited going underwater again.
It took only about 5 minutes after me being in the water when thunder rolled in and the atmosphere began to change. The winds became heavy and everything turned dark which caused me to leave and head back to the car.
I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to spend as much time as I wanted to there, but I didn’t want to risk getting hurt or better yet, being stuck in the middle of a thunderstorm trying to head to where my family and I were staying at.
While arriving to our Airbnb, even though I still felt a bit bummed about what happened, I began feeling more excited for the adventure that would happen the following day which was to dolphin watch.
I have always wanted to venture out on a boat and look at wildlife doing its thing. It’s something Coyote Peterson would do, but of course he’d jump right in the water and capture sea critters. I wouldn’t do that...just yet. I mean, you never know! Maybe one day I’ll be the female version of Coyote!
I double checked the time of when our boat ride would depart and I began wondering what it would be like. To say the least, I was very excited.
After spending some time eating and unpacking my belongings for the stay, I started to get tired and began falling asleep around 10pm. That’s pretty early for me, but with waking up at 5am, driving for 6 hours, and taking many stops, I knew I had to rest before another exciting day.
Around 2am, I woke up out of nowhere. Usually whenever I wake up sporadically like this, I would quickly try to fall back asleep, but I felt the need to stay awake. I checked my phone and I saw a notification saying the dolphin watch experience was cancelled by the host who would take us out.
In that moment, despite being half asleep, I began researching for other people who hosts the similar experience and realized the forecast for the day would be 80% thunderstorms again.
Honestly, as much as I wanted to just give up, I spent the next 30 minutes trying to looking for other things to do around Jacksonville but I was still determined to go on the boat ride.
Eventually I found another host who still had open slots to book but I wasn’t sure if it was certain to still head out to sea with the forecast being predicted. So I prayed a small prayer asking God to make a turnaround of the weather and left it at that. I fell asleep soon after and woke up again around 6:30am to get ready.
While I was getting ready, even though I knew what I had planned was cancelled, I felt peace about it.
In the little house I was staying at, there’s a swinging bench on the front porch. It was something that caught my eye when I arrived and I wanted to spend a lot of my downtime on. I sat down, grabbed my tripod and camera, and began taking pictures of me sitting on the swinging bench. After each shot I took, I looked over the photos and saw how peaceful I looked. I turned off my camera and started to swing back and forth only to feel my heart being overtaken with gratitude.
If there’s something about me you didn’t know, it’s that I enjoy being alone. Not always, but when it’s needed. Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused and whenever I’m alone intentionally, it’s because I know it’s for me to recharge everything I have in me.
As I felt myself becoming more and more grateful with the season of life that I am currently in, I knew I was right where I needed to be at the right time.
My mom came out looking to see what I was doing and she commented how happy I looked and until then was when I informed her of the cancellation of the boat ride. She was disappointed but she was more stuck on the fact that I was so calm about it.
After a few hours of waiting for my brothers to wake up and get ready, I told them about the cancellation and we all decided to head out for breakfast instead.
We went to a busy restaurant called The Fox and began discussing on what we would do instead for the day. Just then, I remembered about the other host I found online and stepped out for a bit to call. To my surprise, the host was willing to make the boat ride but gave me the heads up on how the weather might cancel the experience if anything. I was okay with the awareness and went back inside to eat my breakfast.
On our way to St. Augustine, where the boat ride would take place, the sky began to turn even more darker than what we had seen so far and my mom was thinking of just skipping out on the whole thing.
Again, I didn’t want to really head back but I convinced her that all will be okay. I was ready to take on this storm if anything. It only reminded me of the time when I’ve been on a boat in the middle of a storm. It was one of the coolest experiences for me back in college when I was supposed to snorkel but instead got caught in the middle of the storm. During that time, the boat would rock back and forth as the waves intensified and the rain made it hard for us to get back to the dock. I really thought I’d be overthrown that day, but in the end, the people with me and I survived!
With that being said, I wasn’t afraid of the storm that was heading straight at us and then it began to pour. Hard.
Again this seemed like an opportunity for me to become really upset but I wasn’t going to let that get to me.
After another 30 minutes of driving, we arrived at St. Augustine and the sky was clearing up. The sun came out from behind the gray clouds and we were able to mount on the boat. The captain informed us about how the weather might be if we stayed out in the ocean for too long but he was ready to go. And just like everyone else, we were all excited to dolphin watch if we’re lucky enough to spot them.
Throughout the boat ride, the captain began telling us the history about how St. Augustine came to be and revealed that he was actually an educator before setting his career on studying the marine life. He was surprised to know that I teach science back at home and was happy to know I wanted to take back this experience to share with my students.
After about an hour of trying to spot dolphins, there were no signs of them being around.
There was only about 20 mins left before the storm rolled in that the captain took us to another spot where he said he was certain of seeing the dolphins there.
